I am quiet positive the reason I didn't have any morning sickness with Brody and Ozzye was due to how fit I was and how much I was working out when I got pregnant. Aside from yoga I never worked out much beyond that until after I had Aubriel. That continued with yoga and other activities before and throughout my pregnancies with Brody and Ozzye and I never felt better pregnant!
Last June as soon as Kain finished school I stopped both yoga and working out at the gym due to adjusting with summer schedules and vacations. I had plans to return to both before the summer was out but along with stressful moments I discovered I was pregnant in July. It was too late, morning sickness hit me with full force and the mere idea of even getting off the couch some days was more than I could handle, much less a workout of any kind.
Again with the second trimester the intentions were there but with the holidays right around the corner the motivation was not... but alas with the final trimester things have settled down. Okay not really at all. Between Kain and Aubriel's schedule alone they have something every week night and they are taking turns over the next 8 weekends with something. As well as us trying to squeeze in a mini family vacation to beat the winter blues and before we are knee deep in fresh baby goodness! But luckily for me something in me snapped which made motivation a higher priority than finding time in my days.
Maybe it is the nesting, as I seem to be running out of things to get ready for baby maybe I should start getting my body ready to birth this baby. I have never taken a single birthing class. I honestly find them a bit ridiculous to go and be told how to give birth when your body naturally already knows how to do it perfectly when left alone to do so. But I have always found my yoga background to be helpful while birthing. Perhaps it is simply from the stand point of being able to center my mind, release and surrenderer all inner chatter.
Maybe it is cabin fever. As it seems the first snow fall is always so exciting and then blankets of white that fill our landscapes out our windows have become a must for all of us during the month of December but once the end of Jan is upon us the real cold sets in and we no longer can find use for the piles of frozen snow. It is simply bitterly cold and we day dream of all of it melting into big puddles to splash in, in the warmth of the sun.
Maybe it is a longing to feel my body as normal again that has propelled this motivation. I love being pregnant, truly I do. I lay in bed extra long in the mornings listening to the baby's heartbeat and poking lovingly at my belly to watch the ripples along my skin. Just like the last two I am trying to soak in every moment, every kick, every wiggle and every ounce of this pregnancy that could very well be my last. Something I wish I perhaps would have done with my first 3 a bit more. With Kain I was like the 5 year old counting the days down to Christmas morning. I was far to set on the pot of gold to enjoy the rainbow. Gage's pregnancy was so trying. I was still adjusting to being mom and I was too wrapped up in making plans for our future to truly enjoy the journey I was on. Aubriel's was just a blur. It seemed basic and routine. I didn't know I should savor something I never really had in the past. I was excited to be planning my first home birth but much like Kain's the pregnancy was simply a means to an end. It wasn't until I became pregnant with Brody after thinking those moments had passed forever that I was able to immense myself in the process. That I could truly see pregnancy for the miracle it is. As much as our choices to have more children or to stop have been a rough road at times in the past for both Dave and I, I have come to embrace the beautiful gift of resistance my husband has given me. If it was not for his reluctancey at times I am not sure I would have come to appreciate the time I have been given, the second chances to fully drink in the experience of creating life with the one I love.
However I have moved off track. Even now as I try to enjoy these last 10 weeks with every part of my being I feel them more like the beach sand I am squeezing so tightly it is just slipping away that much quicker. My hip defect I was born with is starting to hurt on and off as baby sits upon it funny some days. My belly is reaching the point of soreness for the excessive stretching of so many coming before. My lower back is aching with the weight of my belly falling forward from no longer having any stomach tone left. And my husband's lack of desire towards pregnant women which he has expressed several times that he wishes just wasn't so is starting to take it's toll on me emotionally along with my waddle like never before. The desire to feel like a normal, sexy, young girl again (which I am well aware of the fact that ship has sailed) with her beautiful baby wrapped up in her arms is in complete conflict with the strong, brave, round bellied mama fully embracing everything that is beautiful about creating another human. I don't often wonder if this is how the crone is born out of the maiden and mother? Is it a marriage of sorts? A joining of the two journeys that bring us into the new? Like a rebirth of the young and the weathered into the wise?
I have been blessed with so many strong, wise women in my life of all ages. I will continue to draw on their love and support as I enter the next journey of womanhood... whatever that may be for me. I can already tell it will not be an easy one and I am sure I will need them but I am also sure it will all be worth it in the end. Getting back on my spiritual path is going to be key and I embrace it!
Namaste!
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