13 years...

13 years ago today I sat on my sofa cross stitching a square for the baby quilt I was making for the new little life in my big round belly getting ready to make his entrance into the world. Never mind the fact I wouldn't even finish that quilt until the birth of his brother over 2 years later.

It was five days past my due date and my impatience had reached an all time high. The days just seemed to crawl by as hubby worked and I had a lack of friends near me since moving back to the area. In addition at just turning 21 most of my friends were busy with things other than planning for the arrival of a new baby. His birth no longer flooded my mind with fear. I was anxious to meet the baby I waited my WHOLE life to have. I wanted to know if tripping over trucks and baseballs through windows were in our future or if I would bond over painting nails and brushing long hair with this little person entering our lives. I wondered about the color of his hair, if his eyes would stay blue, who's smile he would have, and if I really would fall head over heels in love simply from the smell of his head when I gave him his first kiss. I was scared of what kind of a parent I would be. If I would be loving enough when he would push me to my limits. If I could show kindness to him... Patience... Understanding. If it really would be everything I had always dreamed it would be.

And it was. It was all of this and so much more. Well perhaps I have not always lived up to my intentions of being the perfect parent but he has definitely exceeded the expectations of the little miracle we welcomed into the world 13 years ago. He was loved. He is loved. So much by so many. He was born a bright spark and continued go light a path for Dave and I to follow. A path that has led us to be better parents... Better people. He was not planned. Not in the traditional sense. He was perhaps on our radar in another 2-6 years but not then. Not at that time. But he was never a mistake either. There were but a few times where we may have wondered why or what if but those questions did not last long unanswered. We know why and we know how very empty life would've been without him. He truly has been and continues to be a blessing to us. Every. Single. Day.

Little did I know when I felt that first contraction 13 years ago today that I would not only be thrusted down the path of parenthood but of something that would become such a huge passion of mine. The journey to parenthood. The birth. Kain's birth was pivotal for me in this journey, as I suppose anyone's first birth is. Remember how I said the upcoming act of birth no longer brought fear with it? Well it didn't. Not when my first contraction hit. Not when I spoke with my mom on the phone that "today could be the day". Not even when I labored at home by myself because work forgot to pass along the message to hubby. I was at peace. Complete and total peace. Once he did arrive home the very best moments of my labor were laying on our bed together while he would rub my back during contractions. It was calming, and intimate, and little did I know at the time the only thing one truly needs to birth a baby. But I was the only one that felt this way. Hubby was nervous, who wouldn't be right? He was watching his wife have a baby and could do nothing to help. So he followed an ancient instinct to "protect" his wife by means of a modern way of thought. Off to the hospital we went.

And only THEN did fears start creeping in. I had strangers instructing me on what was "best" even when it didn't feel right. They were taking control of something that was going fine. I was like a fish out of water and I just wanted my mom (whom luckily found us despite being told "no visitors"). I went from being a powerful, confident being ready to birth a baby to a scared 6 year old girl that just wanted her mother to hold her and assure her it will all be okay. It was horrible! But what followed wasn't nearly so bad.

My beautiful baby boy was on his way and nothing was going to interfere with his natural process. Even if everyone else in the room was truly clueless as to what was happening or actually "needed" he was not. He knew the way into this world. He knew the best way. The natural way. And he took me along for the ride. My world stopped when I first saw his face and the people around me dropped off the earth for a split second as I gazed upon his tiny little body. I did it! And he was perfect. He delivered not only himself but me as well. And I didn't think it could get any better. But yet I spent five more births since trying to make it better. In some ways I have. In many ways I suppose. But it was his birth and it was as beautiful as he is.

And I can't believe it's been 13 years already... Or it will be in another 1/2 a day. Happy Labor Day Kain!

My Weekend

There's nothing else I'd rather be doing either. Love, love, love watching my children doing what they love!

First Full Moon...

...of 2012!

First Snow Play of the Year!

More Postings...

Hopefully on the way any how. I've realized just how horribly neglected my blog has been since the baby arrived. I suppose that's normal to a certain extent but it really does make me rather sad. Despite the fact an aura reader recently told me I should start writing more, I've just really haven't felt like I've had anything interesting to report and/or been the least bit motivated. So I've taken that suggestions as a sign I just should be posting *something* rather than finding something profound to pass along to the few readers that maybe out there.

So what will my new year blog bring? Pictures if nothing else! I've been inspired to rekindle my relationship with my camera so I should at least be able to post one mediocre photo every few days... Starting tomorrow. ;-)