Very much emotionally but much to my dismay and somewhat strange unexplainable thrill as well, physically too...
It has been more than an over whelming month for our house hold. There has been highs and lows that have reached new extremes for us as individuals and as a family unit. There has been heartbreak, mile stones, bitter sweet growth and gifts we never expected laid out before us.
As July 1st approached my thoughts fell on sweet memories of my dear Grandfather as they have every year since his passing on that day. It honestly felt as though it could have been only a few moments in time since I said good-bye to him until Dave pointed out it had actually been 20 long years since his death. 20 years! How on earth does that much time pass without some closure? I can not help but wonder what it would be like to have had him with us to share all the amazing events that have taken place in my life since that day. I suppose this year came a bit harsher since only days after I would watch my husband walk through the very same thing.
He knows how blessed he is to be his age and to only now have lost a grandparent but the one he lost was never the one he would have guessed he would part with first. David's sweet Grandmother, Maxine, passed on July 6th and I think it nearly broke his heart completely. He expressed often how much more of a mother than a grandmother she was to him and how devastated he was when they moved out west. I suppose it is only natural for us to want to draw closer to our roots when we start families of our own but for him that meant more and more distances between him and his loved ones. The time he missed with her hit him hard as the days drew near as I suppose they do for all of us. It never feels like it was enough once our time has run out.
Just days later we got news of the death of one of Kain's friend's father. We were all still so wrapped up in our own grief it seemed like this was just too much too soon. Our hearts continue to ache for those 4 small children and their mother with the only comfort being that they have one another to lean on. We truly think the world of this family and love them all deeply.
On a somewhat selfish note I must say the sadness we have witnessed over the last few weeks made me all the more grateful that my children are part of a large family. I have always longed for one myself and with some of mine and Dave's ups and downs with our own families in the past it is a comfort to know my children will have more family to go around as they grow and face some of the very same hardships. I want nothing more for them then to always be surrounded by love... which brings me to my the purpose of this post.
Dave turned 35 this month so to celebrate, just him and I went to Las Vegas for a few days, while Grandma got the kids! Thanks Mom we have no idea what we would without all your support and love! It is probably one of his favorite places to vacation so after saying "Never again in July" when we were out there for record temps just 5 years earlier for his birthday (while 6 months pregnant with Brody mind you) I decided I could suck it up again just because I love him so much. We got lucky this year, it was only 106 the whole time we were there. But seriously we had a blast and honestly I think we could go anywhere just the two of us and it would feel like the best vacation ever. It is wonderful being married to your best friend! He of course tried to tell me this time would be better because I wouldn't be pregnant but of course a test, just two days before we left, proved otherwise.
We didn't have plans of spilling it quite so soon... but my growing waste line had other plans. It most certainly is not due to the fact, most would probably believe... that we are feeling upset or overwhelmed at the thought of #6 (not to say we don't feel overwhelmed from time to time at the thought of how our lives will change once again). We are actually just as excited about this one as any other. It still surprises me just how much, even I half expected it to seem routine and mundane after the 6th time around but I guess it just never loses it's magic for some. We feel just as blessed if not more so about baby #6 as we did about the 1st and 2nd and 3rd and so on... However we don't feel quite so blessed when we share our news with others only to have their jaws drop and their rude unwanted opinions thrown in our face like they are actually ALLOWED to say anything about our children, the number we choose to have or the way we choose to live our lives simply because our way of living is not like every other person you meet on the street corner. So I suppose after enduring far too much criticism the last two times around a selfish part of me just wanted to sit in our blissful little world where only a select few knew that could share in the beautiful new spark of life that is our child.
I suppose every parent looks for a reason that their precious new baby is a divine act... I mean after all, are they not all anyway? But after the loss of dearly loved ones this month and the fact that conception of this amazing life took place the same day Dave's Grandma returned "home" it seems like an extra special reminder of the cycles of life and death and the lessons throughout our journey they bring us. It was as if a shinning light was given to us in one of our darkest hours, a gift of hope and faith, that all life is renewed. I would like to think they crossed paths and smiled at one another knowing how each event would deeply impact all of our lives forever and how one might bring comfort for the loss of the other... I hope all of our loved ones, both with us physically and not, are able to share in this new little life and the happiness they will bring to so many who love it!
I have a due date (which is pretty much useless anyway) of anywhere (depending on the method used to calculate it) from March 29 - April Fool's Day 2011. Since I have had more late babies than early ones I guess I will go with the latter. Based off of a due of April 1, 2011 here I am at 5 weeks today...
I think this is how I looked at 6 months with Kain! But I suppose it is baby #6... it will be a long 35 weeks but we can't wait to meet the latest addition to our family!
