Almost Afraid to Talk About it...

... for fear I might jinx it. I thought I had finally reach a point in my life, after 32 years of looking for some type of approval and/or relationship with my brother, that I just didn't care one way or the other anymore. It had taken much longer than I expected. I had tried like hell in the past to not let anything bother me since I had little to no control over how things went down most of the time anyway and quite honestly it seemed like many times I might never get to that point where I could simply "be" with whatever happened. But I did! I truly did... that is until this last week.

These last few months when it came to my brother and my husband once again wanting to smooth things over between all of us I felt an emotion I never had before. It was a complete disconnection to it all. I could sit back and just be happy for him to have his friend in his life again without the added stress and baggage of it being my brother I would never be good enough for, or at least how I felt most of the time in our relationship. I had a peace come across me like never before and I was indifferent to the end result. And then something unexpected happened...

Dave got a phone call from him and talk started brewing about them moving back here. Moving back! After 12 YEARS! Honestly that was something I think both of us at one point had hoped to hear but by this point in our lives never expected any longer. And like THAT, in a blink of an eye I became that little 7 year old girl again caring all too much about family bonds and my brother's love. After all he IS my brother, my only sibling. So excitement started to build, not just for my husband and children but that is certainly where it started (all of them have felt the effects of this tense relationship more than anyone perhaps) but for me. The thought that maybe we can find a way to have something again, anything, even if that is simply a best friend for my husband and some extended family for my children, REAL family, the kind you can call when you truly need something, the kind that will be over in a heartbeat because you are falling apart, the kind that doesn't judge your short comings because they know they could be there some day too. This of course all things I longed for, for myself but more than anything have prayed for it for MY family... the one I have created with my love.

And so I sit... everyday... with a lump in my throat and my heart in my hand... waiting for another update on what could be. And I wonder too if I actually ever got over anything at all. Did anything in me really change or was it more that I simply surrendered to what was? I wonder how I can be so hopeful about all of this if I really had reached the point I thought I had... the point of indifference. Can one actually want something they felt indifferent towards just one week earlier? I am thinking probably not... so once again I have to say, I miss my brother and his family, I love them and I always have... no matter what... because to me that is what a family is and I can't show anything else because this is simply who I am. I can't long for something for my children I don't believe in and I know my wounds would not have been so deep in the past without this self truth rooted in my soul. I am not going to lie and say I am thrilled to be opening myself up again a possible hurt waiting just around the corner but I am actually over the moon about this potentially new beginning for all of us and the opportunity for great healing to take place!

"Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks." ~Herodotus